Jerry Zezima: Hacking the Future

On the danger of plagiarizing Popeye, who’s a cartoon character and can’t sue me, I’m who I’m. I am unable to say what I’m in good firm, however I can say who I’m: a man nobody ought to wish to be as a result of, more often than not, I do not wish to be myself.

However that hasn’t stopped some folks – I do not know who they’re – from desirous to be me and making an attempt to perform such a doubtful feat by impersonating me.

I could also be a mild-mannered reporter for a serious metropolitan newspaper, however I haven’t got a secret identification for the next causes:

(a) I am unable to fly, which is an efficient factor as a result of I am dizzy.

(b) I am no sooner than a racing ball, besides once I’m speeding to the fridge for a beer.

(c) I’m not carrying pantyhose or a cape. Nicely, no less than not through the week. What I do on weekends is no person’s enterprise.

My true identification is so pathetic that no sane individual ought to wish to steal it. And if the attacker is caught, he may keep away from a conviction by pleading madness.

But I’ve been the topic of current social media hacking makes an attempt by people I can solely describe as – it is true! – hacks.

Considered one of them pretending to be me requested my associates to change into his associates, prompting me to challenge the next warning: “I have been hacked. Why anybody would wish to be me is a lingering thriller. I do not wish to be myself, but it surely’s too late to do something. Both method, do not settle for a pal request from anybody claiming to be yours. Sorry for the inconvenience.”

My sister Elizabeth replied, “I am unable to wait to see if the brand new Jerry Z pays your payments and have a tendency to your backyard. Through which case identification theft pays!

Daniel wrote: “Weren’t you bare with a bowl of fruit in your head?

I replied, “I ate the fruit. The remaining is true.

Rick A. wrote: “You imply I ought to ignore the message that you’re holding $1,432,679 for me and all I’ve to do is ship you $2,000 as a measure of excellent religion???”

Rick L. wrote, “I am unable to think about you had that many associates to start with.”

Extra lately, there was one other try to confuse associates who have been already my associates into turning into my associates once more. The message learn: “Jerry Xezima despatched you a pal request.”

I instantly posted this warning: “X marks the place I used to be hacked by somebody claiming to be Jerry Xezima. That is not me (why anybody would wish to be I do not know) , so please do not settle for the pal request.

This triggered a flurry of responses.

Jim: “I believe Jerry Zezima was hacked, or he is the brand new prime minister of China.”

Dan: “I had that, and one from Jerry Eczema, however I believe a cream makes that one go away.”

Robin L.: “You were not the one texting me about my automotive insurance coverage?”

The worst a part of all of it was making an attempt to show that I am me. I had to do that for the IRS on an internet site known as ID.me, an internet identification community that lets folks show they’re who they are saying they’re.

I wanted my social safety card, my driver’s license and my cable invoice. Then I had to decide on a brand new password as a result of I forgot my previous password, one among about 150 passwords I’ve simply to show that I’m, for higher or for worse. worse, Jerry Zezima.

Then I needed to make a video name and be interviewed by a “convention host” who after all was unidentified. After that I needed to take a selfie for facial recognition.

Lastly, I wanted a “verification accomplice”. I picked my spouse, Sue, who verified my ID and added, “Belief me, there isn’t any one else like him.”

Keep in mind that the following time you obtain a pal request.

Jerry Zezima writes a comedy column for Tribune Information Service and is the creator of six books. His newest is “One for the Ageless: Learn how to Keep Younger and Immature Even when You are Actually Previous.” Be part of it at [email protected] or through jerryzezima.blogspot.com.